Mon, June 25, 07:12pm
Published By: WSJ
This week, on "The Bachelorette," six men remain to fight it out in Prague.
Arie gets the first one-on-one date. He has, again, done a masterful job of sculpting his hair into a sloppy shark fin. Emily coyly shares that she knows something Arie isn't telling. He once (ten years ago) briefly dated (sexed) a producer on the show. Emily is not happy and puts on a baffling display of petulance. Who remembers whom they dated a decade ago?
After the break, Harrison intervenes and shares the juicy backstory, one completely without juice. Emily pretends she wouldn't care if she had known from the first day. She is not a skilled liar. Emily then tries to force Arie's confession. It's the Czech Inquisition!
After another break we get more Drama Cliff Notes from Harrison. They've talked it out. Emily has chilled and the young lovers are cruising and kissing at an uncomfortable, wet decibel.
Back at the house, the losers she left behind are sitting around in Extra Medium t-shirts, muscles bulging, hair strategically gelled as they speculate about what Emily and Arie are doing (sexing).
Arie prematurely love ejaculates. He is rewarded with a fireworks display and more kissing.
This season each episode endeavors to be more boring than the previous. So far, the show is a resounding success.
I'd tell you about Emily's date with John but we all know he's not going to be The One because he is comfortable using the phrase, "Lock up a hometown date."
Back at the house, the men are wearing new t-shirts and talking about their feelings. Chris is losing his cool and staring silently into the distance. He is feeling deeply entitled to Emily time because he is The One. When he learns he's not getting a one-on-one, his rage is visible. John pushes Chris over the edge by talking about his amazing date.
Suddenly, Sean decides he has to see Emily. He starts running through the streets of Prague shouting her name. It's not a healthy scenario. There are movies about such behavior (Lifetime). He "conveniently" finds Emily who appears as uncomfortable as a woman would, being chased down, at night. Sean gushes and there's kissing and awkward talk and more kissing. Emily's poor lips must be quite chapped.
On the group date, Chris is not happy. Doug continues his Stepford Suitor routine, sucking up with extraordinary skill. They men cram their hulking bodies into a carriage and they travel to a castle. Emily and Doug have alone time. Doug is absolutely in the Friend Zone. In a painful scene, Doug leans into kiss Emily while she's sending him on his way. We can see his manhood shrivel. During his exit interview, he laments wanting to get to know the real Emily. The real Emily wants sex not chit chat. Let's face it, these men are not conversationalists.
After dumping Doug, Emily is awkwardly sandwiched between the two remaining group date bros-Sean and Chris. Chris continues losing it, pouting angrily. When he gets alone time, he immediately unloads his emotional problems and Emily looks uncomfortable. Fortunately (or not) they start kissing loudly and Chris starts coming down from his rage like a spoiled child or an addict who has gotten his love fix. Emily gives Sean the date rose and Chris offers a serene, serial killer smile.
Jef (one f) gets the last one-on-one. He scores by buying Ricki a princess puppet. They proceed to use puppets to reenact their courtship. It's very difficult to watch as Jef admits the puppets enable him to open up without rocking back and forth.
Back at the hotel, Chris remains on the verge of a breakdown.
Jef demonstrates a bit of personality when he tells Emily, "I want date you so hard and marry the BEEP out of you." Emily is delighted. They kiss, moistly.
At the rose ceremony, Chris breaks all the way down, eyes red, voice tight. Harrison informs us there won't be conversation and cocktails, a small mercy. Chris starts talking to himself.
Emily wears a stolen outfit from "Wheel of Fortune"-blue lamé. Somewhere, Vanna White seethes, "I want my dress back." Jef gets the first rose. Arie gets the second. Before she can offer the final rose, Chris throws a Hail Mary and tells Emily he needs to talk to her. She agrees. The men grumble. There's tension. Chris pours his heart out and it's a hot mess. Emily expresses her gratitude which higher up than what Chris is looking for. They return to the rose ceremony. Touchdown! Chris's Hail Mary works. He gets the final rose. John simmers on the sidelines before he is sent on his way, "completely shocked."
Next week, there will be hometown visits and the deeply awkward meeting of the parents after only a few weeks of simulated, televised dating rituals-modern love.
What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments.
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